Depression 101

Well, I finally had it.  Like a bad pimple or the flu, I sort of enjoyed it while it was here, got to feel real sorry for myself for awhile.   I had anticipated, even prepared myself for it.  I was warned, such a big change can bring you down.  So, I expected it and relished it for the few brief hours that it lasted, then was very relieved when the funk hit the highway and went on it's way.   The Retirement Blues!  I got 'em and I got 'em bad, if ever so briefly!

I think it started when I had to stop by the School Board Building and visit my former boss's office to pick up the last remnant of my "former life".  The picture of Dooley, my final assignment, my last school, my baby, the one I got to start from the ground up.  The picture is stark, gray and white with an ecru border, signed by now former colleagues.  About as sincere and uplifting as a guestbook at a funeral.  I put it on the floor behind my desk; then I read the salutations and faced it toward the wall.  Eventually, I put it in the garage.   I can't imagine wanting to hang it up, but then I think it's silly to glom on to the past.  I never adorned my office walls with my diploma's, seemed redundant.

For most of my life, I knew it was silly to hang on to the past.  You know; "No matter where you go, there you are, Press-on regardless, Stiff upper-lip", and all those cheery platitudes.  That was until that afternoon, when I slumped into the depths of a wallow!!  The lump in my throat slowly turned to tear streaked anger, I wanted my old life back!  Instead of a being a well dressed, manicured principal, I've been schlepping around all summer in tatty shorts and t-shirts, nursing my husband's new knee.

It was one of those surreal, dual image times, when my emotional, weepy-self was all deep into self-pity and angst and my superior, silly, thinking-self was laughing her ass off about what it exactly was that I was missing.

Angst self:  "I want to sleep in my old room with my squeaky husband, snoozing happily beside me."
Ass laughing self:  "He has a titanium knee, tosses, flips, sighs and pops up at all kinds of creepy hours; plus your 'blue room' is cozy, cool, comfortable and allows you 8-10 uninterrupted hours of sleep each and every glorious night."  Slap face not ass over that one!

Angst self:  "I want my old job and friends and purpose back."
Ass laughing self: "Bitch, moan, whine, test scores suck, "Do more with less", no Vice Principal this year, and oh, by the way, you suck too... and could you kindly let 17 of you best teachers know they won't have a job next year and yeah, take good care of yourself, you'll be making 20% less too!!
Uh-huh, like I'll miss that?"

Angst self:  "I want my former life, wardrobe, overworked and under-appreciated status again."
Ass laughing self: "Have another glass of wine and it's only 3:30 in the afternoon...duty-time at Dooley...Hummmm...chasing middle school hoodlums or reading on the porch.  HAH!"  No-brainer!

Angst self:  "Oh, woe is me!
Ass laughing self:  "Oh, just shut up!"

Angst self:  "But, it feels good to cry."
Ass laughing self:  " If you want something to cry about,  watch a sad movie, your life don' suck, and you've got cable!!"

So, ultimately, my sinuses cleared; I slept 11 hours straight; had happy dreams and woke up to an exceedingly happy life, adoring husband and all the Newman's Own Breakfast Blend Coffee and Clos du Bois I can drink.

My depression was short lived and thank god I've got that ass-slapping funny girl still inside me to set the record straight.  Now, on to start yet another book, watch a silly movie, massage Babboo's sore knee, drink some hot coffee, and cool the wine for our patio time this afternoon!!

Again, it don't get any better than this Harlow!  What was I thinking?!?

Peace-out!